Do children treat chores like they’re loading the dishwasher while standing on broken glass? Find a sane way to approach children’s chores.


Loading the Dishwasher While Standing on Broken Glass | Children's Chores
I hate the word ‘chores’.  You may as well start running your nails down the chalkboard, because I’m already shivering.

Don’t get me wrong: I love having a clean house. I love having everything organized. Alright, I’ll be honest–every item in my home is labeled, categorized and alphabetized. What I don’t love is bickering, whining, lying, procrastination, charts full of happy face stickers, and an intricate system of rewards and punishments to organize children’s chores. I’d almost rather load the dishwasher while standing on broken glass.

Judging by the amount of merchandise, books, and magazine articles available on the subject of children’s chores, I’m guessing chores for kids is a pretty big issue for many, many families.

My husband and I have four kids. Uniquely, we didn’t raise them all at the same time. Our first two children are grown and on their own and our second ‘set’ are in the early elementary years. {June 2016: I wrote this post years ago and I still agree with myself. My youngest two are in middle school now.} These parenting circumstances have given me a little different perspective on child-rearing. In fact, I can tell you everything we did wrong the first time, and the new things we implemented!

The first time around, I wrote neat little graphs detailing each child’s chores. I applied colored stars, and I highlighted mistakes. We had family meetings.  Allowance was doled out based on performance.

I’ll be frank: it was a nightmare. Rather than fostering a sense of unity and togetherness, our “chores” divided us. Our older children learned that life is sectioned into individual units of responsibility. They also learned to procrastinate and under-apply themselves.


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The Purpose of Chores for Children?

What, exactly, is the purpose of children’s chores?

I asked myself this very question. Here’s what I came up with (let me know if you have a different list):

  1. To teach responsibility.
  2. To foster the idea that, as a family, we are all in this together.
  3. To clean the house, mow the lawn, have family meals, etc.

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A New Way of Handling Children’s Chores

My kids are all grown now, and I’m really happy with the way we chose to handle chores–after we threw out the chore charts.

As our children grew, they helped when we need assistance. When the dishwasher is full, we all emptied it. When the laundry needed to be done, they switched it over, put it on the table, and put the piles in the appropriate drawers as I folded it. We set the table together, cleared the table together, pulled weeds together. I said ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ because I appreciated their service and I wanted to model appropriate behavior for them.

This system allows a lot of flexibility.

If I wanted to serve my children, or actually clean something (come on–we all know how kids clean!), I didn’t ask them to help.

There was a lot less angst and frustration. No one kept track of who’s doing what. No one was standing around while someone else was working. Things were always picked up. I wasn’t waiting around for my child to remember a chore at the end of the week just so they could earn a privilege or an allowance.

No one skated out of housework–I just (politely) asked for help, and I’d be standing right there! When their personal space needed to be cleaned, I asked them (please) to clean up within, say, 20 minutes. I then offered to help if it wasn’t done by then. {Note: This was after teaching them how to clean by cleaning along with them.} (Everyone knew “helping” means mom stores items left out in a garbage bag in the garage until they were earned back. Mysteriously, this help was only accepted once per child!)


Kids Doing Chores Doesn’t Need to Be Traumatic

Our children, who are now grown, enjoy cleaning. They enjoy having a clean environment, and they see their work as a valuable contribution. They actually volunteered to work when they noticed something needed to be done.

Our children see family life as far more organic than a rigid structure consisting of rules and regulations. They’ve helped lay tile, stucco the house, paint, garden, clean the bathroom, and vacuum. They do these tasks with joy because we do them with joy–and we do them together.

The word ‘chores’ still makes me shiver. But it also makes me smile. You won’t find any chores  in our home. We have an abundance of work, but we also have an abundance of hands.


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Teen Years | How Chores For Kids Worked in Our Home

I originally wrote this piece around 2010 when I started Thinking Kids. I have to say, I’m really pleased with how this non-system of chores for kids has worked out for us! My boys grew to be responsible, hard-working, and they actually volunteered to do things around the house and garden. In fact, they now volunteer to help others as well, even with tough jobs like spreading bark dust. I do have to note that they never, ever volunteer to clean the bathrooms, but they do it joyfully once a week when prompted.

Everyone in the household has things they really care about, and we naturally keep an eye on those areas. For instance, our third child really cared about the welfare of our outdoor animals and about the berry harvesting (we grow a lot of blueberries and raspberries). Our youngest decided he was in charge of artichoke care, and the meticulous upkeep of their shared bedroom.

I’m so very glad we did away with all the systems and assigned work, and decided to just work together to run the household. When I was really sick, the boys could run the household on their own. The only area they really didn’t touch was dinner, and that’s my personal choice. I felt like they both had plenty to do with household work, school work, sports, and youth group activities. I enjoy cooking and just made double or triple batches once or twice a week so there’s always extra dinners in the freezer.

A Final Take-Away on Children’s Chores

Model for your kids the way you’d like the house to be cared for, teach them biblical stewardship, and invite them to work alongside of you. Invitations like this are not optional (kids still need to obey and understand they are being directed to help), but they are better received than orders!

A united family really does run well.


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Loading the Dishwasher While Standing on Broken Glass | Children's Chores

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