Don’t get me wrong: I love having a clean house. I love having everything organized. Alright, I’ll be honest–every item in my home is labeled, categorized and alphabetized. What I don’t love is bickering, whining, lying, procrastination, charts full of happy face stickers, and an intricate system of rewards and punishments to organize children’s chores. I’d almost rather load the dishwasher while standing on broken glass.
Judging by the amount of merchandise, books, and magazine articles available on the subject of children’s chores, I’m guessing chores for kids is a pretty big issue for many, many families.
My husband and I have four kids. Uniquely, we didn’t raise them all at the same time. Our first two children are grown and on their own and our second ‘set’ are in the early elementary years. {June 2016: I wrote this post years ago and I still agree with myself. My youngest two are in middle school now.} These parenting circumstances have given me a little different perspective on child-rearing. In fact, I can tell you everything we did wrong the first time, and the new things we’re trying now!
The first time around, I wrote neat little graphs detailing each child’s chores. I applied colored stars, and I highlighted mistakes. We had family meetings. Allowance was doled out based on performance. I’ll be frank: it was a nightmare. Rather than fostering a sense of unity and togetherness, our “chores” divided us. Our older children learned that life is sectioned into individual units of responsibility. They also learned to procrastinate and under-apply themselves.
What, exactly, is the purpose of children’s chores?
I asked myself this very question. Here’s what I came up with (let me know if you have a different list):
- To teach responsibility.
- To foster the idea that, as a family, we are all in this together.
- To clean the house, mow the lawn, have family meals, etc.
A New Way of Handling Children’s Chores
Today, our children help when we need assistance. When the dishwasher is full, we all empty it. When the laundry needs to be done, they switch it over, put it on the table, and put the piles in the appropriate drawers as I fold it. We set the table together, clear the table together, pull weeds together. I say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, because I appreciate their service and I want to model appropriate behavior for them.
This system allows a lot of flexibility. If I want to serve my children, or actually clean something (come on–we all know how kids clean!), I don’t ask them to help.
There is a lot less angst and frustration. No one keeps track of who’s doing what. No one is standing around while someone else is working. Things are always picked up. I’m not waiting around for my child to remember a chore at the end of the week just so they can earn a privilege or an allowance.
No one skates out of housework–I just (politely) ask for help, and I’m standing right there! When their personal space needs to be cleaned, I ask them (please) to clean up within, say, 20 minutes. I then offer to help if it’s not done by then. {Note: This is after teaching them how to clean by cleaning along with them.} (Everyone knows “helping” means mom stores items left out in a garbage bag in the garage until they are earned back. Mysteriously, this help has only been accepted once per child!)
Our children enjoy cleaning. They enjoy having a clean environment, and they see their work as a valuable contribution. They actually volunteer to work when they notice something needs to be done.
Our children see family life as far more organic than a rigid structure consisting of rules and regulations. They’ve helped lay tile, stucco the house, paint, garden, clean the bathroom, and vacuum. They do these tasks with joy because we do them with joy–and we do them together.
The word ‘chores’ still makes me shiver. But it also makes me smile. You won’t find any chores in our home. We have an abundance of work, but we also have an abundance of hands.
Six Years Later ~ How Chores For Kids Works in Our Home
I wrote this piece nearly six years ago when I started Thinking Kids. I have to say, I’m really pleased with how this non-system of chores for kids has worked out for us! My boys are responsible, hard-working, and they actually volunteer to do things around the house and garden. In fact, they volunteer to help others as well, even with tough jobs like spreading bark dust. I do have to note that they never, ever volunteer to clean the bathrooms, but they do it joyfully once a week when prompted. My 12-year-old does spot clean the bathrooms frequently. I usually do have to remind them to handle the dishes (unless they need something to cook with!).
Everyone in the household has things they really care about, and we naturally keep an eye on those areas. For instance, our third child really cares about the welfare of our outdoor animals and about the berry harvesting (we grow a lot of blueberries and raspberries). Our youngest has decided he’s in charge of artichoke care, and the meticulous upkeep of their shared bedroom.
I’m so very glad we did away with all the systems and assigned work, and decided to just work together to run the household. When I’m really sick, the boys can run the household on their own. The only area they really don’t touch is dinner, and that’s my personal choice. I feel like they both have plenty to do with household work, school work, sports, and youth group activities. I enjoy cooking and just make double or triple batches once or twice a week so there’s always extra dinners in the freezer. They do cook their own breakfast and lunch, though.
A Final Take-Away on Children’s Chores
Model for your kids the way you’d like the house to be cared for, teach them biblical stewardship, and invite them to work alongside of you. Invitations like this are not optional (kids still need to obey and understand they are being directed to help), but they are better received than orders! A united family really does run well.
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Heather says
March 30, 2011 at 8:05 amWhat an amazing thought! I will be starting to try this right NOW because we need to figure out something!
Thank you for joining our BF community!
Danika Cooley says
March 30, 2011 at 8:20 amThanks! It’s working well for us. 🙂
Dawn says
March 30, 2011 at 7:19 pmI agree! As a family we should all help out with what needs to get done around the house. Like you said, we are a family and we are in this together. My 2 year old always wants to help me vaccuum and I let him. Then I pick up where he leaves off. My five year old asked me just yesterday if I was going to pay him an allowance if he helped me with chores. (He obviously got this from one of his friends in school since I just picked him up from the bus). I told him no, as part of our family its your “duty” for lack of a better word to help out around the house.
Great post! Thank you!
Danika Cooley says
April 1, 2011 at 5:37 pmDawn, Thank you for the reply! This system certainly works better for us, and I feel like I’m doing a better job of raising up adults. It sounds like it’s working well for you, too. 🙂
Kimberly 'Bookwalter' Terrill says
April 5, 2011 at 9:02 amI pretty much never used the word chores with in the house. (it’s just an easy word to use when talking to others about the way housework is getting done)
I always called them jobs if they needed a name.
we never did allowance. (but the boys can ask for extra work to earn money if they want)
and I have never ever liked the idea of ‘everyone wash their own clothes’- that, tome, teaches selfishness and NOT helpfulness. It breeds the concept of: “Why should I wash that? It’s not MY dirty shirt/ Why should I help so&so clean that? It’s not MY mess”
My boys do Morning Jobs Laundry, Dishes, Trash)- basically because I am lazy. They do that in the morning to [A]- get them off the computer a little earlier. [B]- so I can getup and have nothing to do for a few hours…LOL. Everything else (rest of dishes,laundry, mopping, etc)- is just done by me- and I ask their help.
(came here from your link posted on HipHomeschool Mom FB)
Danika Cooley says
April 5, 2011 at 9:20 amThanks for the comment, Kimberly! I always appreciate your comments on the Homeschool forums, too. 🙂
Debbie Wenzel says
April 14, 2011 at 9:31 amThere is such truth in what you say. Even if the whole’chore’ thing isn’t a disaster, and is mostly working, as it was in my home, I came to realize a different major pitfall as my boys reached adolescence. My chore list approach was raising good workers, good order takers, but not good husbands or fathers.
A chore list doesn’t teach initiative. It doesn’t teach a child to recognize work that needs doing.
We changed our approach, got rid of chore lists and went to 30 minutes a day of ‘contributing to the needs of the household. It was a hard transition for them because they wanted to be told what need doing rather than having to observe and decide for themselves. Eventually, it took hold.
I wish that I had the wisdom to stay as you described, the progression to what I ended with would have been natural.
Danika Cooley says
April 14, 2011 at 10:14 amThose are some great points, Debbie. In the end, we want to raise Godly, thinking men and women. That should be the goal – not efficiency. Thanks for commenting!
Shama says
May 27, 2016 at 9:44 pmGreat article. We do call them chores but they always get done faster when I’m working along side them. Gave me a few more things to think about. Thanks!
ariel says
June 1, 2016 at 5:34 amGreat thoughts here! Maybe you could do a follow up article that’s a little more detailed? I would be curious to hear more about how you implemented this idea at each age and how you fostered a good attitude.
Jessica says
June 1, 2016 at 3:22 pmI wholeheartedly agree…but, for me it is more about holding ME accountable. I have a tendency to be a major rule follower and I neeeeed structure as much if not more then my children.
I am a mother of 5, my oldest daughter is 21 and has a 2yr old son herself, my oldest son is 17 and has lived with his bio-dad for 8 yrs now (heartbreak), my other children are a 10yr old boy and 8yr old boy/girl twins.
With my oldest I rarely required they do chores and any time I asked it was a battle.
Now with my younger children I use a very basic chore chart. 1 or 2 small chores a day per child. It helps me balance some of the little jobs that they are fully capable of doing like bring the garbage cans up from the curb, taking out recycling, cleaning toilets so in and so forth. But I do ask them to do additional things throughout the week but it is more of a family activity. My kids generally enjoy helping and I use the chore chart to help me be balanced in their responsibilities and challenging them from time to time. They let me know when they are bored and it’s time for new charts.
I enjoyed your post and thank you for your prospective! I often base my parenting off researching opposite ends of the spectrum and then finding what works for me and my family.
Jen B says
June 27, 2016 at 4:36 amWe call chores “family blessings.” It’s a way to refocus attention from self to others.
Kelli says
June 27, 2016 at 4:41 amI love this concept! So what do you do about allowance…if anything? I’ve always struggled to “pay” for helping around the house but also want my kids to earn their own money to learn financial responsibility. Can’t quite figure out how to combine those two! 🙂
K says
July 19, 2016 at 5:03 pmI would love to hear this answer, as well. I am in the same boat.
Sharon says
June 27, 2016 at 5:59 amIt seems that you sent this “children’s chores” information just for me:) I struggle constantly trying to understand how we can get our “chores” done in the day. We have a 2 acre garden we keep up, have 5 children to raise and try to teach Godly. I see much of selfishness going on and maybe it’s because of the chore thing – each one has their own and they fuss if they have to help someone else out for certain things. I am going to try this method…I think the Lord has directed you to me for less chaos in my life! Thank you so much!
Kelli says
June 29, 2016 at 8:06 pmDanika, just wondering if you keep a list for yourself of when you want certain things done. Just thinking about how I can organize this for myself so all areas get done each week.
Thanks so much!
Danika says
June 29, 2016 at 10:18 pmHi, Kelli. We have more of a rhythm. Bathrooms usually get done on Mondays, floors Tuesdays, etc. Animals, dishes, and laundry are done daily. We do our garden work daily and other yard work as needed. Fridays we straighten everything up so it’s nice for the weekend.
Kelli says
June 30, 2016 at 3:59 amOk. That sounds very doable and freeing! Going to do a trial run this summer. Thanks!
Amanda B says
July 3, 2016 at 12:41 pmThanks for posting this! I am currently trying to figure out how to get a better routine going at our house, and reading your idea here was a huge blessing to me. It’s also the only approach I think I could maintain for more than a few months at a time!
Danika says
July 3, 2016 at 1:19 pmI’m glad this is helpful to you, Amanda. Keeping a routine/system that works through the seasons with various ages has definitely been a priority for us as well. It’s so nice to hear from you!
Danika